:minimalist

Monday, November 24, 2003

 

[sarcastic]I'm so sorry, it's all my fault. I'm irrational, inconsiderate, and insensitive. I'm stupid for not agreeing with your ideas. You're always right, and if I disagree with you, I must be wrong. I'll go drown myself in the nearest lake to placate you, how's that? It would make us all feel better.[/sarcastic]

How does He do it? How does He have such great love?

Frustrated, frustrated, and more frustrated. I don't want to be obnoxious and cynical. It hurts, but I can't feel it. I don't know what I can feel anymore. Not much. Sometimes I wish I could.

Not in the mood to be patient.

The question is, how many times are you willing to listen to me say "I don't care," and how many times is it going to take before you actually believe it?

What part of me is resisting His work in my life? What part of me still clings to the old, dead self? Why am I so obsessed with maintaining poise? It gets to me. It gets to me more than any of you know, and yes, that includes even you. All of you except You. You think I'm cold and cynical? Not by choice, but to survive. Give it a rest, m'kay? Give me time. Give Him time. And until then, give me a break. I don't want this crap. I want to tell every one of you exactly how I feel about you. I wish you would tell me exactly how you feel about me and stop giving me crap about thinking I'm smart. If you hate me and think I'm obnoxious, just say it to my face. I won't get pissed. I want to know what it is about me that's keeping you from Him. Please. It's eternity we're talking about here. You're worth it to Him, and that's reason enough for me. Even though you give me crap. I can take your crap, and then some. But I won't sit here and let you give Him crap. You got problems? Find some courage and confront them. Stop living like there's no God. Get over yourself.

I think it's amusing how many times I've contradicted myself in writing this. And let the cursing begin. Or the stubborn silence. Or the sympathy. Or the prayer for my cold, hard heart. I just live here.

We're breaking tradition today, okay? Because I haven't been this pissed in a long, long time. So I'll let you wonder what's been going on, because I'm not telling you. Not that I'm giving myself delusions in thinking that you care. But you don't need to know. I'm sorry for offending you... Really.

bananna 6:08 PM  |